


Malfoy Family Endowments

by granger_danger



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Dick Jokes, Explicit Language, F/M, Female Friendship, Humor, No Sex, Penises, irreverent af, library kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:28:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29567514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/granger_danger/pseuds/granger_danger
Summary: “I’ve just come from the Manor and — oh, Ginny!” Hermione lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper and stepped closer, her eyes wide. “Draco’s finally shown it to me!”Ginny gagged on her toast. She sat bolt upright, her brows at their upper limit. Ginny knew about Malfoy and Hermione’s whole will-they-won’t-they situation of course — everybody did and frankly, it was becoming tiresome — but hand stuff was certainly an escalation. As soon as she stopped choking, she leaned forward eagerly. “He has?”*** This is basically a 1.5K dick joke, you have been warned! ***
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley & Hermione Granger
Comments: 42
Kudos: 274





	Malfoy Family Endowments

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scullymurphy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scullymurphy/gifts).



> This one goes out to my dear, dear friend ScullyMurphy! I first wrote a snippet of it maybe nearly a year ago inspired by something we were joking/howling about that I have - LOL - now completely forgotten. Please don't disown me. Sending you all of the love (all of it!) and I hope that this truly dumb fic makes you laugh. 
> 
> A big thank you to PacificRimbaud for pre-reading this story, rising to the defense of dick jokes as an art form, and generally egging me on!
> 
> Reader beware, for herein lie dick jokes you can't unsee. Rated M for ribald humor and in-depth penis discussion, but there is no sex in this story.

Hermione stumbled through the Floo back into Grimmauld looking flushed and dazed.

Ginny glanced up from her toast as Hermione wobbled unsteadily. Her pupils were blown and she was sporting an absolutely daft smile. “Alright, Hermione?” Ginny asked, with a tinge of concern.

“Oh quite well!” Hermione replied, radiating a slightly manic energy. Her teeth were gleaming, and her hair appeared to be approaching sentience. “I’ve just come from the Manor and — oh, Ginny!” She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper and stepped closer, her eyes wide. “Draco’s finally shown it to me!”

Ginny gagged on her toast. She sat bolt upright, her brows at their upper limit. Ginny knew about Malfoy and Hermione’s whole will-they-won’t-they situation of course — everybody did and frankly, it was becoming tiresome — but hand stuff was certainly an escalation. As soon as she stopped choking, she leaned forward eagerly. “He has?”

Hermione collapsed into the chair next to Ginny, catching her breath. “Oh, he has! And Ginny — it’s absolutely _brilliant!”_

“It is?” Ginny leered. She poured a cup of tea for Hermione from the pot on the table and began to sip her own.

“I knew it would be big, but Merlin’s pants, Gin, it’s got to be at least three times the size of any other I’ve ever seen.”

Ginny coughed on her Earl Grey and pushed her plate away. Perhaps it would be better to dispense with food and drink until Hermione was quite done discussing Malfoy’s… properties.

“Have you — have you seen terribly many, then?” Ginny asked faintly, her face twisting in confusion. She’d assumed Hermione’s experience was somewhat limited.

Hermione scoffed and wrinkled her brow skeptically. “Oh come now, Ginny. I’ve certainly seen a _more than adequate_ sample size to make an objective judgment. In fact, I’d say it’s a special interest of mine.”

Ginny shook her head slightly, unable to hide her amusement. “I’m sorry if I seem surprised, Hermione, I’m all for it, but I had no idea. I figured you’d seen Ron’s, of course, but —”

Hermione cut her off with a nasty little laugh. “Honestly, Gin. Surely you know as well as I do that Ron hasn’t one to speak of. Especially in comparison!”

Ginny drew in a breath. That was more about her brother than she ever needed to know… although it certainly did explain some things.

Ginny blinked several times. “Do you mind?” Hermione asked, gesturing at the plate of toast. “As you can imagine, I’m famished!” At Ginny’s nod, Hermione hoisted Ginny’s unfinished toast with vigor. “I’ve heard Dumbledore’s was quite grand,” she mused wistfully as she munched.

“DUMBLEDORE?!” Ginny wheezed, eyes practically popping out of socket.

“But I’m afraid Draco’s has rather ruined me.” Hermione sighed in a swoony sort of way, seemingly oblivious to her friend choking over the thought of whatever their late headmaster had been smuggling in his pants. “I am certain beyond a doubt that it’s the very best in all the world.”

“Surely it can’t be all that impressive,” Ginny huffed, beginning to feel a bit irritated. She enjoyed a cheeky giggle between girlfriends as much as the next gal. In truth, she was somewhat remorseful to learn she’d missed previous opportunities to talk cock, but she’d made it a point not to drive Hermione around the twist by detailing the particular methods Harry employed with his tongue. And yet here was Hermione, revealing in the same breath that her own brother most likely had a micro-penis and that Draco Malfoy, of all people, had some heaven-sent foot-long gilded cock of the gods. And that was all before any mention of the dreaded Dumblemember.

“Oh, but it is!” Hermione’s eyes went wide again. “I’d heard it was… sizeable, of course —”

Ginny nodded encouragingly, drawn in again despite herself, for she had heard the same. Slytherin Sex God, et cetera.

“But I’d never have guessed it would be this big. It seems almost excessively large, really. And very unusual!” Hermione beamed rapturously. “But just stunningly beautiful, of course.”

Ginny’s brain, frozen in a state of shock, had gone on strike, refusing to form proper thoughts. She absently picked up her teacup again as she stared off into space. “Unusual?”

But Hermione pushed merrily on as though Ginny hadn’t even spoken. “Lucius insisted on being there to supervise, of course.” Hermione wrinkled her nose. “That did put a damper on things.”

Ginny did drop her tea cup, then, and it landed with a clatter, unbroken but sloshing lukewarm milky tea all over the table. Hermione tossed her a towel, then casually resumed tucking into Ginny’s abandoned breakfast.

“Hermione, that’s really not on!” Open-minded though she may have been, Ginny felt a cold prickle of dread at the idea of Draco’s Death Eater father overseeing his son’s inaugural dick reveal. Honestly, it was worse than a Muggle porn, one of those with step-moms and delivery boys and whatnot. “I don’t know if they told you that’s some pure-blood thing but—”

“Pish posh,” Hermione said around a mouthful of egg. “I really didn’t mind. It was a bit distracting — Lucius _does_ lurk about — and he kept droning on about Malfoy family endowments, but he can’t ruin my fun!”

A strange sort of cognitive dissonance, a visceral and disembodied _wrongness_ had fallen over Ginny. The surreality of it all left her drifting, as though in a dream.

Hermione, cheery as ever, polished off the toast and set the plate aside with a contented sigh.

“I don’t want to get ahead of myself or anything,” Hermione said quietly, seeming to come back to herself, “and the Manor still gives me the heeby-jeebies, but… imagine!”

She was smiling softly off into the middle distance.

“Just think, Gin! If things keep going well between us, someday that could be _my_ library!”

For the briefest of moments, Ginny’s soul left her body.

She cleared her throat and squinched an eye at Hermione.

Cleared her throat again.

“Your library?”

“Well, yes…” A shy blush was rising on Hermione’s cheeks. _“Our_ library, I mean. That is, if we keep getting on—”

“Your LIBRARY??” Ginny demanded. “You’ve been talking this entire cursed time about Malfoy’s sodding _library?!?!”_

“Of course I’m talking about his library!” Hermione sputtered with no small measure of indignation. “And stop yelling at me! What did you _think_ I was talking about??”

“What do you mean _OF COURSE??”_ Ginny stood up and pushed back the table. “What do you mean, _LIBRARY?”_ Her exasperation manifested itself in her jostled teacup, which, now fully empty, rolled woefully onto its side. “You were clearly — and I mean _vividly_ — talking about him showing you his cock!”

Hermione furrowed her brow skeptically. “I don’t see how you could have possibly come to that conclusion —”

“— Going on about how big and beautiful it is —”

“Besides,” Hermione said, as though she were discussing the chances of rain, “I saw his penis ages ago.”

“You _did?”_ Ginny sat back down and pressed her fingers against her temples, unready to stop making horrified faces at Hermione.

“I really don’t see what all the fuss is about.” Hermione’s voice was mild, if a tad defensive.

For a moment Ginny just gazed into the ether, performing the calculus of determining what in Merlin’s name had just happened. Then she slumped back in her chair.

Oh. _Oh._

And Hermione. Had already seen. Malfoy’s penis.

_Ages ago._

“What…” Ginny hesitated but her curiosity won out. She leaned in, cupping her chin in her hands. “Well, what’s it like?”

“His penis?” Hermione, for whom cock talk was clearly a novel concept, gave a little laugh. “Oh, it’s, you know — a penis.” A Gallic shrug, as though she were the wrong person to ask despite being the only one, out of the two of them, possessed of this particular piece of knowledge. “About yay big” — she held out her fingers to indicate a decidedly average length — “and nice enough. Pink. Somewhat cute-ish, I suppose. And very serviceable!” She bit her lip, a faraway look in her eye, then nodded decisively. “Overall, I’d give it an Exceeds Expectations.” 

After watching Hermione hyperventilate over what she had assumed to be Draco’s life-changing dong, Ginny found this news to be more of a come-down that it would have been on its own. She absorbed it, then waggled her brows at Hermione. “And do you have an ‘adequate sample size’ to make ‘objective judgments’?”

Hermione rolled her eyes and gave Ginny a playful push. Then she said, with an evil grin, “Well, if you really want to know, Ron’s—”

“Nooooo,” Ginny howled, collapsing in horrified giggles. “Don’t think I’m above Bat-Bogey-ing you!”

“Now that I think about it,” Hermione continued with a wicked tilt of brow, stroking her chin in mock contemplation, “I have heard rumors about Dumbledore’s—” 

“STAHHP!!” Ginny protested. “You’re cruel!” Both of them were on the floor now, laughing uncontrollably.

“—His library,” Hermione finished, the picture of innocence.

She dusted herself off primly and climbed to her feet, holding a helping hand out to Ginny with an exceptionally toothsome grin.

“Why, what did you think I was going to say?”

**Author's Note:**

> MIC DROP
> 
> (You can find me on tumblr: [grangerdangerfics](https://grangerdangerfics.tumblr.com/))


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